My Dark Side

To say that I have been absent the last little while would be the understatement of the year. I have started post after post trying to force the words out. Force the emotionally storm out of my very being. I have not been able to find my voice. I have not been able to make out the words I have needed to say. Even now as I sit here at the computer I am fighting my own mind. It's a constant battle. A war. Uncertainty, doubt, and despair plague my thoughts. It's hard to decipher which thoughts are genuinely my own or if it is the bipolar talking. There are days that are so dark, so long and bleak that I can't really remember who I am. There aren't even hobbies or sometimes even friends to remind you of the real you, the person you are fighting for. The person you take on another day for in hopes of seeing her soon. So here's to another day. Time to face our demons. Time to put on brave faces. We can do this.

Perfection

I am constantly trying to better myself. I take my meds, and try to sleep to better my mood. I try to remember to eat and I try to have an appetite. I do my kickboxing and my yoga to better my figure. I hold my tongue in the hopes of keeping a better relationship. I write to my blog to better my writing. I do it to help someone else which in turn betters me. I sketch over and over to better every aspect of my drawings. I try every filter I think might bring out the best in my photography. The list goes on and on...

Everything I do or say has a million thoughts that go along with it. I'm not always the easiest person to be around and I do have my quirks. I have curves. Sometimes I post things that people deem inappropriate. Sometimes my ink bleeds or the exposure isn't right. Everything I am and do has imperfections. I've learned to embrace and love everything I am and am becoming. I fall short a lot. But I do not pretend to be something I am not. I am not perfect but show me someone who is.

"I am who I am, your approval isn't needed. And if you don't like me; remember... it's mind over matter... I don't mind and you don't matter! Take me as I am or watch me as I go."

Progress

Today I ordered myself out of bed, something I haven't willed myself to do in months. I got up, got dressed, washed my face and made my bed. That is more than I could have said for the past few weeks. I opened the blinds to let the morning light in. I thought of everything I have been wanting or meaning to do and did them. Slowly, but surely. The list was small and very basic but nonetheless challenging to me.
I cleaned up after the houseplants my green thumb killed. It was ironic. I bought the plants to lighten my mood. It was a desperate attempt to fill this void that I had no understanding of. I spent over $100 dollars just in houseplants that I didn't have enough room for. I never did shake the funk I was in and in consequence all but 1 died. The one that didn't die was my bamboo. I had planted 3 stalks because I had read somewhere that 3 stalks signified happiness. The one thing I was dying to have. It gives me hope that I will find peace and happiness someday.
My room was already tidy as always so I had nothing to worry about there.
Among other things I forced myself to pick up a book. I had the hardest time focusing but I had my mind set on reading at least 1 chapter.
Now I sit here and fulfill one of the items on my to do list. Simple. Basic. A struggle. I write my blog because I hope someone out there reads this and understands. I hope to be of some help to someone. I write to promote understanding. I hope to spread awareness.
Mental disorders can be debilitating but there is hope. Baby steps... One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. One task at a time. It may take a while, but we'll get there soon.

Everything I Need To Know...

If you push enough people will leave. Everyone has their breaking points but they will breakdown and leave eventually. So remember that childhood lesson not to push. Pushing is not nice.

Finding Rest In the Arms of Friends

These past few months have been hell. I've been utterly exhausted beaten down, brought to my knees, and brought to tears. Life had sucked every last bit of me into this black hole. Circumstances in my life were destroying my will to live. I was lost. I was gone. I was stuck. Hope was a fictional word to describe a fantasy that would never happen. There were days when I could not pull myself out of bed. Days where the most I could expect from myself was to keep breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Some days all I could was pace and walk endlessly to nowhere. I wanted company but didn't know how to cope with the crowd. I wanted to talk but couldn't form the words to say anything. I wanted to read and escape to another world, a different life, but found myself too distracted. I was so desperately searching for the peace I could never find. It was an endless game of hide and seek when it came to my moods and emotions. I didn't understand it...
I still don't understand it. I still struggle. Everyday. Everyday is a constant battle with myself. I still play hide and seek. I'm still finding my way through. But when given the choice between heaven and hell, I choose heaven.
The fight is long and tiring. But that's exactly what I am going to do. Fight. And with the help and the encouraging words I believe I can pull through another day.
The relief I have found in my friends arms has been so remarkable. I have felt the healing power of your words and actions. Each "Keep going.", each hug, and each shoulder cried on. I have such amazing friends and I have to thank you all. You are so kind. So patient. Thank you for accepting each apology. Thank you for being here for me no matter how difficult I am. Thank you for loving me. Know I love and appreciate you all. You are my lifesavers. You are all doing such amazing things and I want you to know I am proud, amazed, humbled, honored, and so blessed to be able to call you my people. You inspire me to take on another day. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

August was a month of learning. As a recap here is a summary of what I learned in quotes...

"...And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."‎

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
-- Marilyn Monroe

"God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you & to make you into the person you were meant to become."

‎"Everything falls apart, my dear. The only thing permanent in life is family."

Agitate it

It's that feeling when you look down and realized you broke it. That pit in the bottom of your stomach when you start to think you might have lost it. And the worst part is not knowing what you did wrong or how to fix it.

Grief

Grief. After it fades from being constant, it comes in waves. Over powering, overwhelming, crippling waves.

Crescendo

This week, this month really, has been perfectly tailored to fit the description of being my own personal hell. But as I sat here at the computer, listening to music and browsing profiles of family members, the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles came on. And for the first time in months, I caught myself singing along. It's not much but I measure in baby steps.

Treading Water

There comes a time in every life when it's acceptable to say "I'm not ok.". I really am grateful for everyone's love and support. Please know that it is appreciated. Remember it takes time to heal and there are setbacks. Please be patient.

Josh Groban - You Are Loved [Don't Give Up] (Video)

It's too late but I know somehow, somewhere you understand. I wish I could have done more. I will always love you and I will forever miss you.

Kate Havnevik - Grace

Short & Sweet Thank You

"Depression sucks, no one would choose to have it. And if you can't choose to have it you can't just choose not to. So instead of telling depressed people to snap out of it or choose to be happy, read up on it, become part of the solution. No this isn't a forward and I don't care if you post this as your status!"

When I read that status update on facebook my heart gave a tiny squeeze of momentary joy. I just wanted to thank the people who recognize that depression isn't an attitude adjustment. It means a lot to those who are struggling with a mental disease. It's hard enough as it is without judgments being passed. It's much appreciated to be acknowledged and recognized as someone other than a party pooper. Here's to all of you who make living with a mental disorder easier.

Jack's Mannequin - Dark Blue (Video)

If you get it you get it. If you don't then you won't.

Words don't break bones, just spirits.

People drive you crazy. People make you mad. People get upset with you. People hurt you and say things that cut you right to your core. People take you for all you have and leave you with less than you had before. Less sanity. Less sympathy and empathy. Less love. They push you to your brink, shove you into your sweet surrender or they hold you away from the edge. You get attached to them. Proceed with caution. They are human too. If you are attached you are subject to love, hate, and hurt. Be prepared for anything. Select the people you hold near and dear to you carefully. Are they worth the arguments? The hurt? The name calling? Are they worth having your buttons pushed? Does the good outweigh the bad? Sometimes they are worth every word, every minute, and every hurt feeling. Sometimes that person who can be most hurtful loves you the most. The ones we love and who loves us know our buttons and what hurts. Like that saying that you hurt the ones you love most. I believe that this is bull in most cases but there are exceptions to most rules. When it comes to family and close friends they are almost always worth the fight. Fighting can be tiring. Just remember who you are pulling through for. In most cases what was said was in the heat of the moment and had that person been in their right mind they would have held their tongue. If they hurt you, take it with a grain of salt. Hold your temper. Remember that almost always the person is playing defense not offense. Walk a mile in their shoes. See where they are coming from. Be patient. Be kind.

At a loss for words...

Since when are words so hard for me to come by? Anyways, I should post just for the sake of documentation. Someday, I might find it was actually worth it. Work starts tomorrow. I am super stoked. Well as stoked as one can be for work.

Wordplay

I came here intending to write something of worth but the words just won't come out. I don't know what the words were. I don't know what I was planning to write. Better luck next time I guess.

Surrender

I have a tendency to push people away. I am very good at it. It's what I know how to do. It's my first instinct. My first reaction. People will try and help and I will create a barrier. It goes from us, or a team to me against them. When it comes to fight or flight, I take flight. I run as far as I can. The same happens when I get hurt. I escape. Even as a child, my brain sheltered me when I couldn't run. When there is trouble or chaos I turn and walk away. Denial is my defense. I fought against every cell in my body that yelled for me to book it in the opposite direction. I stayed. I tried to help. I argued with myself daily. But I didn't leave. I had my mini excursions but I came back within 24 hours. I stayed. I did everything I could. As always I failed. I broke it. I pushed and they shoved back. I get it. I do. I probably even deserve it. Every time I try to help it backfires. I hurt more than I help. I offend more than support. I am toxic. So this is my white flag. This is me throwing in the towel. This is me giving up.

Justice

There is no justice in this world. I try not to get caught up in all the media swarms but I do have this to say. Casey Anthony was found not guilty. However, if she did in fact do this horrible, horrific, nasty deed, (Which I do believe she did...) her reward is awaiting her. She might not get punished by the law but she will forever be punished by her own guilt. I believe that she has a dangerous and awful life ahead of her. There will be no justice in this life but justice will be swiftly served in the next life.

Matthew 18:1-6

1At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the agreatest in the kingdom of heaven?

2And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little achildren, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

6But whoso shall aoffend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Vertigo

It is so hard for me to write. I don't even know where to begin.

Time marches on and does not wait for you. There is no remote. No pause or fast forward button. It just keeps going. Time continues to slip through your grasp.

You know that game you played when you were a little kid? The one where someone would spin you in a circle a few dozen times to see how well and for how long you could stay upright? Or that moment right after you get of the round about at a park after you've spun yourself sick? That moment right after when your world is spinning. That has now become my life. My life doesn't make sense anymore. It's almost a constant confusing affair. I beg for the spinning to stop but it never ceases. Where is the emergency brake?

Purpose

I'm having a hard time right now. Despite my many blessings I struggle. I count them, the blessings, I count them but life is tough. I feel beaten down. I feel overwhelmed. I feel trapped. I want to be a part of something bigger than me. I am hungry for something purposeful. I want to play a part in making a difference.

Admitting Defeat

Here I am. Class of 2011. And the only words I have to say for myself are... I don't care anymore. I have been defeated. What now? What's the point? How am I supposed to carry out the next few months? I blamed everything on senior year and the ever so prevalent senioritis. But now as high school comes to an end the so called senioritis isn't. I really don't even know where to begin. Everything I once found joy in is just a bleak prospect. No matter what I do it doesn't click. I can read the same paragraph 5 times and I will still not be able to tell you what I just read. I could write the 9 times tables for you 50 and not be able to repeat it back to you. I am forgetting everything. I cooked brownies for 2 1/2 hours a week or so ago. I no longer enjoy photography. I have not sketched, painted, or sculpted and the truth is I have had no desire to. Music has lost it's sweet sound and it is replaced with the description of unwanted noise. My voice has been silenced. I have not picked up a book and read it through since like February, which is by far the most abnormal of my behaviors. I used to journalize and blog everything and it was because I wanted to not because it was the next item of business. I colored my hair, I played in make up, I dressed in cute clothes, strutted in heels, went shopping... That is no more. I go to church, but only about half the time now. I struggle to remain patient with those who love me. I failed at keeping some composure. My life went from being orderly and somewhat calm to nothing more than utter chaos. The only words I ever hear anymore are "When I was your age..." or "What are you doing to find a job..." or "What are you doing with your life..." or "Why aren't you doing what you are good at..." or "When are you planning to leave...". I love hearing how disappointed everyone is of me. I love the looks I get from family members who's expectations I have fallen short. I am tired. I am empty. I am lifeless. I am defeated. I give up.

Sarah McLachlan - World On Fire

What are you willing to give up to spread some good around the world?

Removing The Stigma of Mental Illness

Depression/anxiety is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status and leave it there for an hour if you or someone you know has or has had depression/anxiety. Most people won't, but it's Depression and Anxiety Awareness Week and 1 in 5 of us will suffer at some point in our lives. Show your support. ♥

Day 21- Your favorite musician

I have many. Music is my therapy. Without music I would be utterly lost to the oblivion. Anyways, since the list would be ridiculously long and I would feel obligated to elaborate, please refer to my playlist. It's not a complete profile of my music tastes but it is fairly accurate. I also have a love affair with good country music that this playlist doesn't do it justice. The playlist really doesn't do my taste in music any justice, but neither does this post. I have good taste in music. :]
http://www.playlist.com/playlist/21824808459/standalone

This Is My Now

This is my now. This is my time. You can't take this away from me. I am made more than all my yesterdays combined. This is my chance. Time to take my leap of faith.

Day 20- Your favorite scripture verse

I have many but this one of my favorites that is constantly running through me mind.
Alma 13:29- "Having faith in the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest."

Google Chrome: Lady Gaga

We Love You Mother Monster!

Day 19- Something you would like to be when you grow up

Well my dream job would be to be a Orthopedic Surgeon. To accommodate other goals in my life I intend to be a Scrub Nurse. Mortician would be my next choice.

Day 18- Top 5 things that you find attractive in the opposite sex

1. First and foremost, the guy has to be able to handle my crazy self. He has to be able to tolerate me and respect me. He has to be able to understand me. He has to be able to comfort me. He has to love me for every bit of me. So I guess the keyword is tolerant?

2. He has to have personality. He has to have character, integrity, and a sense of humor. He has to be intelligent.

3. I have this thing for hair... A full head of hair and some scruff and I go nuts.

4. The face is one of the most attractive attributes on a guy. A smile, nice mouth, kind eyes... Scruff :]

5. I have a thing for artists and musicians. If the guy can sing or play the guitar or whatever... I am a happy girl.

Not Ever

“Rape seems to be the only crime where it’s seen as ok to put the victim on trial.” Natasha, Female from Glasgow
Every woman has the right to live without fear of getting raped or sexually assaulted. No one deserves to be raped. What she wears is not an invitation to have sex. Leave it to the woman to consent.

Day 17- An animal you would keep as a pet if you could.

Realistically, my dream pet is a purebred German Shepherd. Love them. I mean look at the dog. Gorgeous right?

On a slightly more unrealistic note I would love the following animals as pets if there were no restrictions or obvious consequences.

I think it would absolutely rock to own a bee colony.

Peacocks are gorgeous. I want one.

I love elephants. They have always been one of my very top favorite animals.

I love love love owls. Hello, they are awesome!

I am pretty attached to Zebras too.

And on an even more unrealistic note....

I would ABSOLUTELY DIE if I could own a momerath!

Don't forget that your favorite animal could be on the Endangered Species List. To find out more about ways to help visit http://www.wcs.org/.

Where is Away: Solving Plastic Pollution in 4 minutes

Just take the first step to helping our home be environmentally friendly! If not, what do we have to look forward to in the future? Trash and Garbage? Just do it!

Day 16- A t.v. show you are currently addicted to

This one is a no brainer. Grey's Anatomy. Seasons 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. Grey's is my favorite. Grey's is my therapy. Grey's is my way of life. <3

An Inspirational Thought

National Women's Health Week

Today is the last day of National Women's Health Week. Have you had your check ups?

Protect Yourself With SPF

This month is Skin Cancer Awareness Month. 1 in 5 people in the U.S. will develop skin cancer which works out to be roughly 3,000,000 cases yearly and 10,000 deaths. 10,000 deaths that could be prevented with a little bit of Banana Boat. The Skin Cancer Foundation's goal this month is to get 10,000 people to sign a letter to the Surgeon General to get the FDA to put stricter regulations on tanning beds. The letter states:

"The research cited by the IARC includes studies showing that first exposure to tanning beds in youth increases melanoma risk by 75 percent. In addition, people who use tanning beds are 2.5 times more likely to develop squamous cell carcinoma and 1.5 times more likely to develop basal cell carcinoma. An estimated 700,000 cases of squamous cell carcinoma, the second most common form of skin cancer, are diagnosed each year,resulting in approximately 2,500 deaths. Basal cell carcinomas, the most common form of skin cancer, are rarely fatal, but can be highly disfiguring."

Skin Cancer is the most common but also the most dismissed. Don't let it be pushed under the rug anymore. I have signed the petition. Will you?
http://www.skincancer.org/Advocacy/

Coalition Against Battered Women: Domestic Abuse

It's not pretty but it never is. These 61 seconds is one of the most important minutes of your life ladies.

Going Green

Day 15- What's in your make-up bag

One anagram... E.L.F. Best stuff ever. Love, Love, Love their eyeshadow and their cosmetic brushes.

E.L.F. Wet Gloss and Mascara

E.L.F. Eyeliner

The Colossal Volume Express Mascara

E.L.F Lip gloss and Lipstick.

C.O. Biglow Lip gloss

Maybelline Dream Smooth Mousse Foundation and blush.

Bare Minerals Bahama Mineral Bronzer.

Eyelash Curler.

That is just my everyday make up purse, don't get me started on my collection.

I Love You Mummy

Day 14- A picture of your family

This is my family. I am missing my daddy, 2 brothers and a sister in this picture. But they are eternally mine. Miss you guys. Till we meet again.

Tiki

This is Tiki. She belongs to my second family, The Cottams. It would mean a lot if you could keep an eye out for her. Her family misses her very much and hopes that you can help her to find her way back home.

The Civility Experiment

Day 13- A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then

This is me. The me that is here today is different than the me from a year ago. Last year was rough as is this year. I'd like to say that I have grown up and matured at least a little bit. I was very vain last year. My hair was long. My hair was auburn. I tanned... Well I tanned as much as I could. I had the fake nails. I caked my face in make up everyday. This year I am me. Take me as I am or watch me as I go.

Day 12- A song that describes your mood

Day 11- A picture of your favorite restaurant

Yummy! When I get to chose where to eat out these are my hot spots. Delish!

Day 10- Celebrity Crushes

I have a few celebrity crushes so do bare with me. :] So here we go in no particular order. They are all too beautiful to be ranked.

Ed Westwick

Patrick Dempsey

Mark Salling

James McAvoy

James Franco

Gerard Butler

David Cook

Adam Levine

Josh Duhamel

Shane West

I can't help but notice the reoccuring theme everyone keeps saying is there... Perhaps it is... Hahahahahaha.

Day 9- A letter to someone who has recently hurt you.

Dear Anonymous,
I hurt. I am not tough enough to hear "You are a waste of space" come from you. I can expect to hear it come from certain people from school but not you. It doesn't matter coming from them. It matters to me that you said it. I can't let it roll off my back. I have tried to let it go all day and all I can hear running through my head is you telling me that over and over. I get it. I am a failure. I am stupid. I am dumb. I am an aweful member of the family. I am a pain. I am sorry if I have failed to meet up to your expectations. I am sorry if I have failed you. I am sorry that I am the way I am. I am sorry you got stuck with me. I am sorry I am me.

Day 8- A picture of the last thing you purchased

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I went to the movies. I saw Water for Elephants. So so so good.

Then we grabbed I bite to eat. Japanese grill. Yum. We walked around the mall a bit. I got sucked into Charlotte Russe as always... and by the end of the night I walked out with these in the infamous green bag...

Day 7- Something you never leave the house without

My mother is insistent on getting me to get into the habit of taking my purse or my bag everywhere with me. She says it needs to be equipped with my keys, my wallet... and other stuff that she has suggested that is just not coming to me. So as of right now I never leave the house without my bag and my cell phone. Unless it's one of those days that I don't. :]

Day 6- Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

1. Soon We'll Be Found- Sia

2. Where Does the Good Go- Tegan & Sara

3. Meteor Shower- Owl City

4. Pull My Heart Away- Jack Penate

5. This Will Be- Natalie Cole

6. World On Fire- Sarah McLachlan

7. Disconnect the Dots- Of Montreal

8. Fix It- Psapp

9. 5 Years Time- Noah & the Whale

10. Just Dance- Lady Gaga

Day 5- The next plan you have coming up that you are excited for.

Well to say I am excited to be done with high school is the understatement of the year. I just want to be done. However, I am freaking out just a little bit for college. It's just a tiny bit nerve racking. What can I do to prepare myself that I haven't already done...? Oh dear....

Day 4- A picture of your best friend

The past year or so the term "best friend" has lost meaning. It's such a shaky and temperamental term. I am beginning to hate it. For me in my life the term "best friend" has been like the kiss of death in almost all my friendships. So instead... Here are some pictures of the people who have stood by me through thick and thin. I adore these people and they are amazing.

I owe a lot of my sanity to these people. Thank you all for sticking right there with me. I know it wasn't easy at some times but it was and is much appreciated. Love you all so much!


(Btw- Sorry if I stole a picture or two... It's only because I love you and I promise no creepers bother to read my blog. :])

Day 3- A picture of me as a child

First and foremost I would just like to say, if blogging makes me pathetic, then so be it. I am pathetic according to you. Thanks for your input, and this is about how much I care. Hmmm. Not a lot. Clearly. Ok... So now that I have let that roll off my back...

Day 3 is to post a picture of you as a child.

I find it so weird that my childhood is over. And everything that I grew up with is coming to an end and validating my age everyday. Take Harry Potter for example. Ending. Oprah, the show I used to come home from school to and watch everyday because I marveled at her brilliance? Ending. Graduation? 6 weeks away. So odd. Curiouser and curiouser.

Day 2- A picture of something you ate today

Kneaders Raspberry Bread Pudding with Vanilla Cream...

Need I say more?

The Power of Words

Day 1- A photo of myself and a description of how my day was.

Yep it's true. I have fallen victim to the 30 Day Blog Challenge. For the next 30 days I will post that days assignment.

My day really started technically at 12:00 am this morning. I was up talking to a family member about my relationship status and what not. It seems as though after that conversation that I have to make a decision quick. I have been stringing it along saying it was nothing but a high school relationship. It has started becoming something more and there is something holding me back and my lovely cousin Davina agreed. The traditional "break" is no use anymore. Today I get to do something I have been dreading. Wish me luck.

So if I had to sum up a few words to describe today it would be dread, apprehension, upsetting, and tiring.

Take Florence For A Midnight Bike Ride

I just have to share this secret to happiness. This tip will be brief, I do promise. The tip? Take yourself for a bike ride at night and blast Florence + The Machine. It is one of the most exhilarating thing you will ever do in your life. Let the cool wind blow in your face and through your hair. Just let it go. Let your stress and your worries spin off the tires into the dark oblivion. It is magnificent.

And not to still thunder away from Florence, but another fantastic song to ride to is, While We Were Dreaming by The Pink Mountaintops.

Enjoy! :]

Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love

My Bucket List

1. Join a Peace Corp.
2. Travel the World.
3. Nanny Abroad.
4. Go to college.
5. Get Married.
6. Raise my own kids and be a Foster Parent/ Adopt Kids.
7. Help build a house with Habitat for Humanity.
8. Design my own house and build it.
9. Write my own book of music compositions.
10. Teach piano.
11. Go Skydiving.
12. Hold an animal on the endangered species list.
13. Write a childrens book.
14. Learn how to do Calligraphy.
15. Make a difference in at least one persons life.
16. Go on a roadtrip from coast to coast.
17. Find true happiness.
18. Be the coolest Nana.
19. Go on a Senior Mission.
20. Live with No Regrets.

Autistic Girl Finds Voice Through Typing

Play. Stop. Rewind.

The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind that I do not wish to repeat but am doomed to eventually.

Being home is an interesting situation. Having all the freedom I had for that month taken away is kind of brutal. Just a little bit. It truly is a bitter-sweet situation.

I bought a ridiculous amount of houseplants. I had a little bit of buyers remorse but by the time I had all 9 plants put into place it quickly faded away. I love my plants. The only drawback is that I can't let my Jasper come sleep at the foot of my bed anymore. He's already tried to eat my Lucky Bamboo, which is sooo not cool by me. Sorry kitty.

Spring break is wrapping up and the only thing I have to show to it is a garbage full of tissues. An impressive amount of tissues. Tuesday, the second day in, I came down with the worlds worst, most brutal, body beating, cold. After being steamed, vapor rubbed, nose blown, medicated, congested, and coughed into oblivion I am still sitting here, on Friday night still sick, unfortunately. It's a beautiful thing being a snot faucet.

Today, I ended up watching Tangled with my little sister, who is also sick. I went to go make popcorn for her and while I was gone she watered my bamboo. Which normally would have been fine but I had put it on top of my t.v. to get it some more light for the day. I came back we watched the movie and all was well. I hadn't noticed that she had watered it for me. So when I went to go move it back the water sloshed out and on my t.v. Now we just hope that it will dry out... Because for the time being I have 2 t.v.s to operate what that 1 did. Thanks Ray. Love you anyways. It also doesn't hurt her case that every time we watch Tangled, when Rapunzel gets her hair cut and it turns brown, she exclaims, "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE RAPUNZEL!!!" I guess I finally found my princess. Yeah... it doesn't hurt at all.... :)

Happy Birthday Corrin. We haven't forgotten you. We love you.

Silence

So as this week comes to a close I can honestly say that the first week of being settled in a new home is boring. It went from being so hectic you could claw your eyes out over the insanity, to complete and utter boredom. There is the occasional dish to do. Maybe you need to vacuum a little just to say you are doing something productive. Making dinner has gone from a pleasure to just an everyday chore. Homework, well it's done. Even my online classes. Thanks for nothing school. Photography, unfortunately, is a no go because of my shoulder. Oh, how I miss the feel of a Nikon in my hands. I am not being mentally challenged at all. I don't even have background noise of screaming children or the everyday life sounds of a busy household. The quiet was nice until it became a constant and there is only so far blasting music can take you. People come and see what I am up to now and again and I go out every once in a while but most of the time my life is enveloped in silence. However, I can't complain because this is what I've been asking for, for years. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

A Dose of Insanity

Well to start things off, I've moved. I no longer live under my parents roof, which in some ways is majorly awesome and in other ways it is a major buzz kill. But it's a part of growing up and I am thrilled to be taking this next step in my life. Along with the move came a lot of emotions and many mood swings. Some good, some not so grand. However, I am truly blessed to be accompanied on this little adventure with my dear, dear friend Chani Cottam. Kudos to her for putting up with me thus far.

And to add to irritation I kind of hurt myself in the process of moving. I really shouldn't have expected any less from myself.

Also, among other things, there has been countless episodes of drama. Don't you just love people? Sometimes I think I'd rather pass on that second helping of drama.

Here's to another week and another round of relentless life experiences. Cheers.

B. Moore Photography

When you read this I need you to go to http://mooreimageinnovations.blogspot.com/ and follow the blog. Thanks!

Andrea Draudt

The shoots have literally been one after the other but needless to say I am very honored to have been able to do these shoots with the people I hold dearest. Today I took Andrea out to shoot and here is a preview of today's work. There is always more to come! :)

Meaningful Subjects

This week has been a crazy one but here is a preview of what I have been working on. These girls are so beautiful and I am so thankful for them.

Chani Cottam

Elle Sutton

Kimber Morgan

New Beginnings of A New Year

I was hoping for brand new beginnings for the new year, but as of so far it's same old crap, different day. Different year. Homework, drama, family issues, ect. I survived the second term of my last year in high school. Which is a bonus. I started third term at a sprint only to realize how much I really hate school. However, as much as I hate school, I am fighting tooth and nail to get my priorities straight so I can continue on to get a higher education. Yesterday in Financial Lit we made a collage of our dream lives. My friend thinks I am crazy and I know I am but I wonder if maybe she has a point. What I want for my life is nothing like the hopes and dreams of the typical Utah Mormon but they are none the less dreams. So please, tread lightly, don't crush my dreams.

Quick Preview: Before and After

Here is a quick preview for those who wonder what I do. I am not perfect but skill comes with time and lots of practice.

Original