Surrender

I have a tendency to push people away. I am very good at it. It's what I know how to do. It's my first instinct. My first reaction. People will try and help and I will create a barrier. It goes from us, or a team to me against them. When it comes to fight or flight, I take flight. I run as far as I can. The same happens when I get hurt. I escape. Even as a child, my brain sheltered me when I couldn't run. When there is trouble or chaos I turn and walk away. Denial is my defense. I fought against every cell in my body that yelled for me to book it in the opposite direction. I stayed. I tried to help. I argued with myself daily. But I didn't leave. I had my mini excursions but I came back within 24 hours. I stayed. I did everything I could. As always I failed. I broke it. I pushed and they shoved back. I get it. I do. I probably even deserve it. Every time I try to help it backfires. I hurt more than I help. I offend more than support. I am toxic. So this is my white flag. This is me throwing in the towel. This is me giving up.