Admitting Defeat

Here I am. Class of 2011. And the only words I have to say for myself are... I don't care anymore. I have been defeated. What now? What's the point? How am I supposed to carry out the next few months? I blamed everything on senior year and the ever so prevalent senioritis. But now as high school comes to an end the so called senioritis isn't. I really don't even know where to begin. Everything I once found joy in is just a bleak prospect. No matter what I do it doesn't click. I can read the same paragraph 5 times and I will still not be able to tell you what I just read. I could write the 9 times tables for you 50 and not be able to repeat it back to you. I am forgetting everything. I cooked brownies for 2 1/2 hours a week or so ago. I no longer enjoy photography. I have not sketched, painted, or sculpted and the truth is I have had no desire to. Music has lost it's sweet sound and it is replaced with the description of unwanted noise. My voice has been silenced. I have not picked up a book and read it through since like February, which is by far the most abnormal of my behaviors. I used to journalize and blog everything and it was because I wanted to not because it was the next item of business. I colored my hair, I played in make up, I dressed in cute clothes, strutted in heels, went shopping... That is no more. I go to church, but only about half the time now. I struggle to remain patient with those who love me. I failed at keeping some composure. My life went from being orderly and somewhat calm to nothing more than utter chaos. The only words I ever hear anymore are "When I was your age..." or "What are you doing to find a job..." or "What are you doing with your life..." or "Why aren't you doing what you are good at..." or "When are you planning to leave...". I love hearing how disappointed everyone is of me. I love the looks I get from family members who's expectations I have fallen short. I am tired. I am empty. I am lifeless. I am defeated. I give up.