Controlling the Chaos

For those who may have missed the memo I am home. Feels good to be back in Utah. You never realize what you've got till it's gone. So glad to be home! Right now I am trying hard to catch myself so I can hit the ground running. The past few days since being home I have been running around non stop. I beg to the Universe, to God, to karma to whatever, whoever that it will pay off. I'm trying to balance pulling in the reigns and gunning full throttle ahead. Controlling the chaos. The odds are against me but I refuse to do anything but succeed.

Mismatch

For all the times you've comforted me. All the times you held me and told me everything would be ok. The times you told me you loved me when I didn't deserve it or even when I didn't even love myself. I am forever grateful for you. I love you more than words can express. The peace I find in your arms is truly remarkable.Never have I felt as much serenity as I have when you are with me. Even with all the chaos and drama surrounding me. In this personal hell of mine I found you and found safety and love in you. I have no doubt that we are soul mates, made for one another and perfect for each other and under different circumstances, in another life, maybe it would be you and I against the world. We really did find love in a hopeless place. :] <3 <3 <3
xoxo

Stitches

The longer I stay here in California the more I yearn for home. Andrea has made a goal for me to be home within the next 3 months and I hope and pray that I make it. The work is hard, the sun is hot, the lemons are overripe. This girl is ready to go home. I miss the impatient drivers, the biting wind, the canyons, the mountains, and Kneaders. But most of all I miss my friends and family. Getting back is going to be so hard. So hard. There aren't even words but home is where the heart is.

New Beginnings, New Demons

It's been so long. Since the last post I have picked up my life and relocated to Cherry Valley, California. It's different. All new experiences come with new emotions. New challenges. I find myself craving stability. Some consistency. My brain puts up a daily fight against me posing the same challenges that I struggled with back home. I came to Cali with a prayer in my heart that I could find some peace. Just a taste of tranquility. California has been a blessing but it's hard to see through my constant emotional fog. I find myself pleading to the heavens to just wipe my mind clear. My brain has been at a constant hum turned up to max volume. So many voices blended into what sounds like white noises at top volume. No music is loud enough to drown out the noise of my own brain betraying me. No amount of positive mantra can cut through the chaos. So I keep going. I try to put on a brave face and face everyday. I keep going. I face my demons head on with the hope that someday that peace will come.

My Dark Side

To say that I have been absent the last little while would be the understatement of the year. I have started post after post trying to force the words out. Force the emotionally storm out of my very being. I have not been able to find my voice. I have not been able to make out the words I have needed to say. Even now as I sit here at the computer I am fighting my own mind. It's a constant battle. A war. Uncertainty, doubt, and despair plague my thoughts. It's hard to decipher which thoughts are genuinely my own or if it is the bipolar talking. There are days that are so dark, so long and bleak that I can't really remember who I am. There aren't even hobbies or sometimes even friends to remind you of the real you, the person you are fighting for. The person you take on another day for in hopes of seeing her soon. So here's to another day. Time to face our demons. Time to put on brave faces. We can do this.

Perfection

I am constantly trying to better myself. I take my meds, and try to sleep to better my mood. I try to remember to eat and I try to have an appetite. I do my kickboxing and my yoga to better my figure. I hold my tongue in the hopes of keeping a better relationship. I write to my blog to better my writing. I do it to help someone else which in turn betters me. I sketch over and over to better every aspect of my drawings. I try every filter I think might bring out the best in my photography. The list goes on and on...

Everything I do or say has a million thoughts that go along with it. I'm not always the easiest person to be around and I do have my quirks. I have curves. Sometimes I post things that people deem inappropriate. Sometimes my ink bleeds or the exposure isn't right. Everything I am and do has imperfections. I've learned to embrace and love everything I am and am becoming. I fall short a lot. But I do not pretend to be something I am not. I am not perfect but show me someone who is.

"I am who I am, your approval isn't needed. And if you don't like me; remember... it's mind over matter... I don't mind and you don't matter! Take me as I am or watch me as I go."

Progress

Today I ordered myself out of bed, something I haven't willed myself to do in months. I got up, got dressed, washed my face and made my bed. That is more than I could have said for the past few weeks. I opened the blinds to let the morning light in. I thought of everything I have been wanting or meaning to do and did them. Slowly, but surely. The list was small and very basic but nonetheless challenging to me.
I cleaned up after the houseplants my green thumb killed. It was ironic. I bought the plants to lighten my mood. It was a desperate attempt to fill this void that I had no understanding of. I spent over $100 dollars just in houseplants that I didn't have enough room for. I never did shake the funk I was in and in consequence all but 1 died. The one that didn't die was my bamboo. I had planted 3 stalks because I had read somewhere that 3 stalks signified happiness. The one thing I was dying to have. It gives me hope that I will find peace and happiness someday.
My room was already tidy as always so I had nothing to worry about there.
Among other things I forced myself to pick up a book. I had the hardest time focusing but I had my mind set on reading at least 1 chapter.
Now I sit here and fulfill one of the items on my to do list. Simple. Basic. A struggle. I write my blog because I hope someone out there reads this and understands. I hope to be of some help to someone. I write to promote understanding. I hope to spread awareness.
Mental disorders can be debilitating but there is hope. Baby steps... One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. One task at a time. It may take a while, but we'll get there soon.

Everything I Need To Know...

If you push enough people will leave. Everyone has their breaking points but they will breakdown and leave eventually. So remember that childhood lesson not to push. Pushing is not nice.

Finding Rest In the Arms of Friends

These past few months have been hell. I've been utterly exhausted beaten down, brought to my knees, and brought to tears. Life had sucked every last bit of me into this black hole. Circumstances in my life were destroying my will to live. I was lost. I was gone. I was stuck. Hope was a fictional word to describe a fantasy that would never happen. There were days when I could not pull myself out of bed. Days where the most I could expect from myself was to keep breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Some days all I could was pace and walk endlessly to nowhere. I wanted company but didn't know how to cope with the crowd. I wanted to talk but couldn't form the words to say anything. I wanted to read and escape to another world, a different life, but found myself too distracted. I was so desperately searching for the peace I could never find. It was an endless game of hide and seek when it came to my moods and emotions. I didn't understand it...
I still don't understand it. I still struggle. Everyday. Everyday is a constant battle with myself. I still play hide and seek. I'm still finding my way through. But when given the choice between heaven and hell, I choose heaven.
The fight is long and tiring. But that's exactly what I am going to do. Fight. And with the help and the encouraging words I believe I can pull through another day.
The relief I have found in my friends arms has been so remarkable. I have felt the healing power of your words and actions. Each "Keep going.", each hug, and each shoulder cried on. I have such amazing friends and I have to thank you all. You are so kind. So patient. Thank you for accepting each apology. Thank you for being here for me no matter how difficult I am. Thank you for loving me. Know I love and appreciate you all. You are my lifesavers. You are all doing such amazing things and I want you to know I am proud, amazed, humbled, honored, and so blessed to be able to call you my people. You inspire me to take on another day. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

August was a month of learning. As a recap here is a summary of what I learned in quotes...

"...And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."‎

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
-- Marilyn Monroe

"God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you & to make you into the person you were meant to become."

‎"Everything falls apart, my dear. The only thing permanent in life is family."