Short & Sweet Thank You

"Depression sucks, no one would choose to have it. And if you can't choose to have it you can't just choose not to. So instead of telling depressed people to snap out of it or choose to be happy, read up on it, become part of the solution. No this isn't a forward and I don't care if you post this as your status!"

When I read that status update on facebook my heart gave a tiny squeeze of momentary joy. I just wanted to thank the people who recognize that depression isn't an attitude adjustment. It means a lot to those who are struggling with a mental disease. It's hard enough as it is without judgments being passed. It's much appreciated to be acknowledged and recognized as someone other than a party pooper. Here's to all of you who make living with a mental disorder easier.

Jack's Mannequin - Dark Blue (Video)

If you get it you get it. If you don't then you won't.

Words don't break bones, just spirits.

People drive you crazy. People make you mad. People get upset with you. People hurt you and say things that cut you right to your core. People take you for all you have and leave you with less than you had before. Less sanity. Less sympathy and empathy. Less love. They push you to your brink, shove you into your sweet surrender or they hold you away from the edge. You get attached to them. Proceed with caution. They are human too. If you are attached you are subject to love, hate, and hurt. Be prepared for anything. Select the people you hold near and dear to you carefully. Are they worth the arguments? The hurt? The name calling? Are they worth having your buttons pushed? Does the good outweigh the bad? Sometimes they are worth every word, every minute, and every hurt feeling. Sometimes that person who can be most hurtful loves you the most. The ones we love and who loves us know our buttons and what hurts. Like that saying that you hurt the ones you love most. I believe that this is bull in most cases but there are exceptions to most rules. When it comes to family and close friends they are almost always worth the fight. Fighting can be tiring. Just remember who you are pulling through for. In most cases what was said was in the heat of the moment and had that person been in their right mind they would have held their tongue. If they hurt you, take it with a grain of salt. Hold your temper. Remember that almost always the person is playing defense not offense. Walk a mile in their shoes. See where they are coming from. Be patient. Be kind.

At a loss for words...

Since when are words so hard for me to come by? Anyways, I should post just for the sake of documentation. Someday, I might find it was actually worth it. Work starts tomorrow. I am super stoked. Well as stoked as one can be for work.

Wordplay

I came here intending to write something of worth but the words just won't come out. I don't know what the words were. I don't know what I was planning to write. Better luck next time I guess.

Surrender

I have a tendency to push people away. I am very good at it. It's what I know how to do. It's my first instinct. My first reaction. People will try and help and I will create a barrier. It goes from us, or a team to me against them. When it comes to fight or flight, I take flight. I run as far as I can. The same happens when I get hurt. I escape. Even as a child, my brain sheltered me when I couldn't run. When there is trouble or chaos I turn and walk away. Denial is my defense. I fought against every cell in my body that yelled for me to book it in the opposite direction. I stayed. I tried to help. I argued with myself daily. But I didn't leave. I had my mini excursions but I came back within 24 hours. I stayed. I did everything I could. As always I failed. I broke it. I pushed and they shoved back. I get it. I do. I probably even deserve it. Every time I try to help it backfires. I hurt more than I help. I offend more than support. I am toxic. So this is my white flag. This is me throwing in the towel. This is me giving up.

Justice

There is no justice in this world. I try not to get caught up in all the media swarms but I do have this to say. Casey Anthony was found not guilty. However, if she did in fact do this horrible, horrific, nasty deed, (Which I do believe she did...) her reward is awaiting her. She might not get punished by the law but she will forever be punished by her own guilt. I believe that she has a dangerous and awful life ahead of her. There will be no justice in this life but justice will be swiftly served in the next life.

Matthew 18:1-6

1At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the agreatest in the kingdom of heaven?

2And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little achildren, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

6But whoso shall aoffend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Vertigo

It is so hard for me to write. I don't even know where to begin.

Time marches on and does not wait for you. There is no remote. No pause or fast forward button. It just keeps going. Time continues to slip through your grasp.

You know that game you played when you were a little kid? The one where someone would spin you in a circle a few dozen times to see how well and for how long you could stay upright? Or that moment right after you get of the round about at a park after you've spun yourself sick? That moment right after when your world is spinning. That has now become my life. My life doesn't make sense anymore. It's almost a constant confusing affair. I beg for the spinning to stop but it never ceases. Where is the emergency brake?

Purpose

I'm having a hard time right now. Despite my many blessings I struggle. I count them, the blessings, I count them but life is tough. I feel beaten down. I feel overwhelmed. I feel trapped. I want to be a part of something bigger than me. I am hungry for something purposeful. I want to play a part in making a difference.

Admitting Defeat

Here I am. Class of 2011. And the only words I have to say for myself are... I don't care anymore. I have been defeated. What now? What's the point? How am I supposed to carry out the next few months? I blamed everything on senior year and the ever so prevalent senioritis. But now as high school comes to an end the so called senioritis isn't. I really don't even know where to begin. Everything I once found joy in is just a bleak prospect. No matter what I do it doesn't click. I can read the same paragraph 5 times and I will still not be able to tell you what I just read. I could write the 9 times tables for you 50 and not be able to repeat it back to you. I am forgetting everything. I cooked brownies for 2 1/2 hours a week or so ago. I no longer enjoy photography. I have not sketched, painted, or sculpted and the truth is I have had no desire to. Music has lost it's sweet sound and it is replaced with the description of unwanted noise. My voice has been silenced. I have not picked up a book and read it through since like February, which is by far the most abnormal of my behaviors. I used to journalize and blog everything and it was because I wanted to not because it was the next item of business. I colored my hair, I played in make up, I dressed in cute clothes, strutted in heels, went shopping... That is no more. I go to church, but only about half the time now. I struggle to remain patient with those who love me. I failed at keeping some composure. My life went from being orderly and somewhat calm to nothing more than utter chaos. The only words I ever hear anymore are "When I was your age..." or "What are you doing to find a job..." or "What are you doing with your life..." or "Why aren't you doing what you are good at..." or "When are you planning to leave...". I love hearing how disappointed everyone is of me. I love the looks I get from family members who's expectations I have fallen short. I am tired. I am empty. I am lifeless. I am defeated. I give up.