Agitate it

It's that feeling when you look down and realized you broke it. That pit in the bottom of your stomach when you start to think you might have lost it. And the worst part is not knowing what you did wrong or how to fix it.

Grief

Grief. After it fades from being constant, it comes in waves. Over powering, overwhelming, crippling waves.

Crescendo

This week, this month really, has been perfectly tailored to fit the description of being my own personal hell. But as I sat here at the computer, listening to music and browsing profiles of family members, the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles came on. And for the first time in months, I caught myself singing along. It's not much but I measure in baby steps.

Treading Water

There comes a time in every life when it's acceptable to say "I'm not ok.". I really am grateful for everyone's love and support. Please know that it is appreciated. Remember it takes time to heal and there are setbacks. Please be patient.

Josh Groban - You Are Loved [Don't Give Up] (Video)

It's too late but I know somehow, somewhere you understand. I wish I could have done more. I will always love you and I will forever miss you.

Kate Havnevik - Grace

Short & Sweet Thank You

"Depression sucks, no one would choose to have it. And if you can't choose to have it you can't just choose not to. So instead of telling depressed people to snap out of it or choose to be happy, read up on it, become part of the solution. No this isn't a forward and I don't care if you post this as your status!"

When I read that status update on facebook my heart gave a tiny squeeze of momentary joy. I just wanted to thank the people who recognize that depression isn't an attitude adjustment. It means a lot to those who are struggling with a mental disease. It's hard enough as it is without judgments being passed. It's much appreciated to be acknowledged and recognized as someone other than a party pooper. Here's to all of you who make living with a mental disorder easier.

Jack's Mannequin - Dark Blue (Video)

If you get it you get it. If you don't then you won't.

Words don't break bones, just spirits.

People drive you crazy. People make you mad. People get upset with you. People hurt you and say things that cut you right to your core. People take you for all you have and leave you with less than you had before. Less sanity. Less sympathy and empathy. Less love. They push you to your brink, shove you into your sweet surrender or they hold you away from the edge. You get attached to them. Proceed with caution. They are human too. If you are attached you are subject to love, hate, and hurt. Be prepared for anything. Select the people you hold near and dear to you carefully. Are they worth the arguments? The hurt? The name calling? Are they worth having your buttons pushed? Does the good outweigh the bad? Sometimes they are worth every word, every minute, and every hurt feeling. Sometimes that person who can be most hurtful loves you the most. The ones we love and who loves us know our buttons and what hurts. Like that saying that you hurt the ones you love most. I believe that this is bull in most cases but there are exceptions to most rules. When it comes to family and close friends they are almost always worth the fight. Fighting can be tiring. Just remember who you are pulling through for. In most cases what was said was in the heat of the moment and had that person been in their right mind they would have held their tongue. If they hurt you, take it with a grain of salt. Hold your temper. Remember that almost always the person is playing defense not offense. Walk a mile in their shoes. See where they are coming from. Be patient. Be kind.

At a loss for words...

Since when are words so hard for me to come by? Anyways, I should post just for the sake of documentation. Someday, I might find it was actually worth it. Work starts tomorrow. I am super stoked. Well as stoked as one can be for work.